“The best of wives are those with prettiest faces and whose dowry is least expensive”
So girls easy with the dowry competition we know you are loaded but albarka ake nema ko suna?
The Prophet SAW also went as far as forbidding the giving of excess dowry.
He also had never married his daughters off for more than 400 DH (dirhams)
Ina masu dokke da kayan uwar miji da gara? Parents, please read this carefully.
IF ONE PRESENTS A GIFT TO THEM (the women’s relatives) IT SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN IN THE VIEW TO EXTRACTING EVEN GREATER FAVOURS (that money beneath the box? Yeah that. It is strongly detestable in fact when done for a do-me-I-do-you purpose it is downright haraam.) THE SAME APPLIES TO THE GROOMS FAMILY. It is recommended to exchange gifts because it gives rise to affection.
Allah SWT said “wala tamnun tastakthir”
(Q: Mudathir: 6 )
“Do not give seeking to multiply.”
It becomes reprehensible if it becomes showoff, and innovations certainly take away from the blessings of a marriage.
Beware! Don’t let tradition blind you.
It wouldn’t be fair if I listed all the qualities of women the brothers should avoid and abstain from mentioning the men the sisters should avoid.
So, sisters open your eyes well well.
The first thing you should notice in a man is his determination to commit when a man comes to you the first time, he should please make his intentions clear, you are there for the keeper, not a person who is there to waste your time. Don’t go and be his ear-soother, making phone calls for years without him including you in his plans.
When he talks about his future and doesn’t use ‘we’ and ‘us’ when talking, my sister take heart he is planning that future with someone else. And she is not you.
If he isn’t ready he shouldn’t be there in the first place, don’t let him guilt-trip you by saying “She is asking me to commit after just six visits!” Dude! If you are not there for formal (marriage) purposes are you there for the free ride? Park well, let real men with real intentions take her hand, please. Thank you.
1. A man that has your best intentions at heart will not make you stray. You have your standards uphold it, never go for a man that will lure you to sin in the sight of Allah. If he doesn’t fear Allah, what makes you think he will fear His wrath when he starts treating you like a popping ball? The pixel-guy (send-me-nudes guys) is not the guy for you, the sex chat guy is not the disease you want in your life, he is only after that, once he gets it he is done with you. You’re that, and just that, no sugar-coating, if you think he is marrying you, yeah sure you will get married to him, but be sure to stumble upon him doing the same exact thing he did with you with another woman outside your home, in your home and you will have no option than to weep to sleep. Ya Ukhtiy, he didn’t fear the One whose sky veils him, who do you think you are that he will fear to get you upset? Cut him off.
2. A man always knows what he wants, sister NEVER EVER, do the chasing, he is there for that, the moment the calls stop coming or the text messages or him coming to your house drastically go back to nil abort mission, he is doing that to someone else. You can call him from time to time, but don’t be the one doing allll the calling or the one doing it frequently. You shouldn’t be taken on a ride only for your heart to be broken at the end. If he wants you he will pursue you to no ends. Be careful of obsessive pursuers though 🙊. And please the pursuing should be done in an extremely halaal way.
3. Are you the same to him when he is with his friends? Notice his behaviour, he should be proud of you enough to have guarded jealousy over you, yet he wouldn’t disregard you either. Don’t let him trash you or step over you in the presence of his friends, it only shows that he is lying to either of you. This is the man that is supposed to honour you, protect you and stand for you in every circumstance all your life, what’s the deal with him chickening out now? bleeeh. Danger zone abort mission!
4. You are in love you haven’t lost your senses: a. You shouldn’t let a man disrespect you just because he claims he loves you, love and respect goes hand in hand.
b. Don’t fall with the idea of being in love with a man just because he smiles cutely at you, or he helps you with your assignments, or he had once given you a lift. Some men are naturally good without a romantic notion. Wait for him to be clear about what he feels first. Remember a man knows what he wants and goes for it. If he isn’t brave enough to go for you he isn’t worth it. There will be circumstances in the future that would require a lot more of his brevity than love confession. If he has missed several opportunities now when do you think he can stand up for you? Don’t waste your time. (Ya aakhiy, ehem ehem this is a hint for you, if you love her, say it. Stop being scared of rejection. It doesn’t scar. You know what scars? A bad marriage.)
5. Don’t pressurize him, when you tell him the first time to commit and he says he is not ready. Move on. Don’t wait to remind him again. If he isn’t ready he shouldn’t be there, if you pressurize him he will lie to you and end up wasting several precious years of yours and make you miss having a great chance with a great-ready man. If his excuses are genuine, let him give you a deadline you shouldn’t be the one giving it. He should have focus and goals to at least know when he is hoping to be ready to fully commit. Do not, however, agree to see him without your guardian’s consent. NO matter how unready he is, this step must not be skipped. You are courting the Islamic way, remember.
6. Never settle for an abusive man who hurts you with his words, attitude or physically. Relationships should bring harmony, not woe. He will hurt you brutally once he gets you, and these type of men, never let you out of their wings, because they know you will get better people than them. You can’t complain about something you have every right to change and refused to change when the truth is glaring at you.
7. He should earn your trust enough for you to not doubt him if he tries to rook you or make you suspicious, talk to him don’t conclude based on assumptions and also don’t let your intuition to rest. A woman’s intuition is her greatest asset, it is almost always right. An Indian proverb says “Where there is smoke there is fire.”
Do not be his side girl, or his main girl be his “only” choice.
8. Don’t settle for a man that says you have high standards (Or too ambitious) that’s because he knows he can’t bully you emotionally or mentally, he is scared you are not going to let him rein his anarchy over you. He is emotionally lazy to commit or work on your relationship and he thinks you are going to have all the control. Marriage is a partnership, not a slavery. When he lets you do all the work, know that he is just playing you in his head. THEY GO for what they genuinely care for.
9. Some men do love you, and they want you to be thoroughly spoilt by them, but the moment you start reciprocating the love back, they become spooky, reason? They want to be in total control. They are the control freaks. These ones even after marriage they are the ones that are always right. And no matter how beautiful you look, how great you smell and how amazing you are with him you will never make this type of man happy. He is too… Ugh! Abort.
10. The right man can be wrong for you: Yes, he might have the looks, the money, the rides, the lineage, the deen and every every but girl he is bad news for you, because his beliefs are totally different from yours, his notions are different, he can’t give you the happiness you deserve, he can’t love you the way you want to be loved, never stay in a relationship that will make you feel lonely. A great person that is great for you won’t make you feel lonely, he will be the right spouse for you, who will never miss a beat with how thoroughly he should treat you well.
You are a queen, wait for your King even if he doesn’t come with all the riches. Contentment of the heart is better than a thousand lonely nights and sulky days.
11. When you ask a question and he gets defensive, explaining himself away instead of giving you the answer you want, give him the red, he is lying, he is guilty and he won’t hesitate to dump you. An honest man has the right answers always. Without any hesitation. Because he doesn’t have to cook up stories or keep up with all those previous lies.
When he starts having drained batteries or forgetting his phones at the office or at a friend’s house, he has someone filling your gap for him. NEWS ALERT you are the side chic here ukhtiy.
12. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM! You think he will change after formalizing things? No. After Nikaah? No! He is never going to change, but if he chooses to change, you can only be the reason for him to change, but you cannot force the change upon him, that’s a fact. If he is what you don’t like don’t go for him, he will forever be what you don’t like. But if because of you he has seen the light and he is willing to change for Allah’s sake, give him this one chance. Second chances are good just don’t agree to be made a fool of.
Likewise if a man wants you to change to someone you are not (bad someone), run like waterfall, because Ya ukhtiy, the moment he finds a girl that has all the qualities he wants to embed in you, he is going to disappear pufff, and you won’t know what got to you.
Most of the time the problem doesn’t come from the man being the wrong choice, the problem comes from ‘you’ accepting him thinking you can change him. You are just wasting your time.
But if being with you incite a change in him, this is the man you want to be with. Because he knows you’re the right woman for him and he doesn’t want to lose you. He is willing to make an effort when you see no such effort he is playing with your head.
Lastly, do not settle, you don’t want to be that woman who daydreams or stay woke at night thinking what could have been had she waited for the right man for her and not settled with the good man that was wrong for her.
Now, these are not the general rule of thumb there are exceptions of course when next we meet we shall see the people that the shari’ah has forbidden for us to take as spouses. And then we shall process to the proposal. Yes, we are fast like that. But we will make sure not to skip any important aspect in sha Allah.
Ma’assalam. Till we meet in our next episode in sha Allah. May the goodness from Allah fill your lives. Ameen.